YAY! How exciting?!

And this is SO going to be me right before heading out the door!

Both photos: source

I will be honest, I have not been fully wedding-imersed this past week. The biggest things I've done are go to a bridal show this past Sunday (which was mostly just for something to do because I have all my vendors except hair and makeup) and selecting photos for the slideshow.

What's really been on my mind? Oh you know, that thing that happens when the wedding is over and you have a second ring on your finger...oh, right, marriage.

I've been nervous about posting this because I know this isn't a hot topic, at least when spoken about blatantly - the fact that we all have our ups and downs...that sometimes, it's not the fairytale, that us engaged couples, you know, the ones who are blissfully happy and smiley and sex crazy in the movies aren't actually living in that movie world.

Mr. P and I do not always live in that world. We've had excruciatingly hard times and truthfully, are still struggling even with getting married in 12 weeks. I know we are not the typical couple and that we've been through far more than the majority of other couples have at this point in their relationships. To give you a little insight without going into the nasty details (in chronological order):

• Our relationship started out long distance
• We found out his mother had stage 3 lung cancer
• He quit his job, tried to start a business on his own and then could not move forward with it
• After I graduated college, we moved to a new city without knowing anyone and moved in together
• I began "real world" living during this time
• We started having financial concerns
• We got a puppy
• He lost his job
• We found out his father had stage 4 lung cancer
• Within 3 days he moved to Atlanta and I quit my job
• Within a month I joined him
• We struggled more financially and emotionally while I waitressed and tried to figure out a different/new career path
• I finally got a job
• We started realizing our puppy had a food aggression problem
• Our apartment got robbed and we lost everything valuable including family jewelry
• We got engaged
• His mother passed away
• He took a second job and we finally started planning the wedding after being engaged for 5 months
• We almost broke up
• Our puppy bit both of us numerous times as his aggression problem became severe
• Currently: His father has worsened and could pass soon, we're shelling out money for medication and training to give the puppy a proper chance and we still have some financial and personal struggles.

Wow, and that was without details or any of the little stuff along the way - I've never written that out before.

So why am I being so open with the intimate parts of my life?
Mr. P and I went to a Marriage Workshop 5 weeks ago. (I've been meaning to post a recap about it and will soon now after writing this.) But you know the one thing he said that I think helped him tremendously? That he realized it wasn't just us...that this very nice, quiet Jamaican guy with dreads and an accent who he probably had almost nothing in common with had similar problems with his fiance as he did with me. I wasn't offended about the problem that was mentioned, it wasn't a dealbreaker and was something I can work on. What was nice to hear was that he didn't feel completely alone, isolated, weird about having problems or issues within our relationship. It seemed like a relevation for him. Like, even though it seems obvious that we're all people and it happens, especially to people who have had to overcome so many hardships within only 2.5 years, it wasn't so apparent.

It's almost embarassing really to talk about these things, even with your family and friends sometimes. I think sometimes it's even harder to talk to those people who you care about most because you actually care what they think and value their opinions. Trust me, I know...and I haven't opened up to my own family and friends about every little thing.

Mr. P came across this article on MSN: 7 Scary Truths About Getting Engaged. Some of the truths are a little silly, as MSN articles can sometimes be, but Scary Truth #5 & #7 seemed to me like they'd really hit home with the majortiy of couples (and maybe #6 if you have not lived together yet.)

'Little Signs "We're Not Meant to Be" Start Cropping Up' - wow, somebody said it. I'd been thinking about it, call it 'pre-wedding jitters' whatever you want, but some people do think about it. Now, I don't personally believe the examples given in the article are particularly good ones, but the concept was there, out in the open. Wow. Okay...I'm not alone in this. The fact that Mr. P doesn't take the dogs out right when I ask him to and that he leaves the kitchen filthy are NOT dealbreakers. Chill out. It's funny how all the little things can ball up and make a really big thing. Now, I'm not discounting our past or current more serious issues...oops, I mean "challenges" as Mr. P likes to say ("issues" sounds bad he says lol,) but what if you did discount ALL of the little things...and I mean ALL??? Nothing could snowball. You would literally only be able to have attention on a challenge that actually was very important to you and your relationship and none of the other little items would be in your or his mind snowballing to create a seemingly worse off situation.

So, I've been thinking about life, marriage, the real world lately. Helping my relationship continue to grow and changing certain things for the better are things I've been trying to concentrate on. While I love practically everything wedding including all the planning (and of course it's still something that is there in the back of my mind,) I believe it needs to take a back seat if you know there are more important things for your mind to wander to and for yourself to take action to. And you know what? I've genuinely been significantly happier the past few days from doing this - the things I know I can easily do/not do to better our relationship which better prepares us for marriage which overall makes life happier for both of us, currently and for later on.

The purpose of this post: Well, let's be honest, sometimes the point of a personal blog is that you have a place to put your thoughts and your vents. And also, if I could reach anyone out there who has had similar feelings or situations in their relationships and engagements, then that's worth it. Knowing that there are other REAL people out there NOT in fairytale land, sex crazy and smiley 24/7 is SO refreshing and comforting. And I really realized that when Mr. P commented on the nice Jamaican whose fiance had a similar unlikeable trait as me and he realized he was not the ONLY one out there.

P.S. I know this post was a little all over the place, but I hope it did at least make sense overall.

I'm such a bad blogger! No, it's just been crazy busy here - work, personal, wedding, etc. But there are obviously things to update on since it's been so long...

According to my preview post, I think I'm doing ok...I've updated you on the honeymoon (Mr. P FINALLY applied for his passport yesterday! YES!) and given you some insight to a couple DIY projects: the slideshow and something or other in memory of Mr. P's mama.

BUT, I know the biggest thing has to be the redesign, redirection, creative overhaul of the wedding! Hello?! That's HUGE.

Here's what went down:
A couple of weeks ago I was having a minor panic attack to Mr. P about how I was now uncomfortable with what the florist and I came up with for the centerpieces and that I didn't know how to properly incorporate and execute this peacock theme. And then, my whole wedding world came shattering down: Mr. P gave an inkling to the fact that he wasn't a fan in the first place. Ugh! How could he have waited SO long to tell me?! My feeling were not hurt, I was just having trouble breathing wondering HOW in the world I would pull off a completely new idea having already had trouble deciding on one in the first place. He tried to cover it up by saying that he just didn't know how I was going to do it, but I knew. I totally knew.

We spent an hour or two browsing through Knot photos and Google Image searches to see how we could pull it off to our liking. It wasn't working.

The next day, I talked to my mom about it, but I was still struggling and still bummed out. 4 months and we don't know what the wedding is going to look like now? AHH!

The day after that, I finally had an epiphany. I am almost embarassed to admit the simplicity of it all...but I will. I realized that instead of basing what the wedding would look like off of what we already had (dresses, venues, etc.) that I would think about what I truly LOVE and find a way to incorporate everything together.

*crickets*

DUH! How was I letting the items I had already chosen dictate EVERYTHING?? Ugh, the absurdity of it all. See, wasn't that ridiculously simple?


TO BE CONTINUED...

Since I started planning our wedding, I've learned so much about all the nooks & cranies of it all, especially things about wedding etiquette. I've only been to 3 weddings in my life...2 of them were within the past year and 2 of them were Mexican. So, long story short, I haven't had much experience in the wedding department and have been learning as I go with a lot of the elements for our own wedding. When we sent out our save-the-dates (dang it, reminder to self: post about std's!) we received two presents from one of our registries. The cards said something to the effect of "congratulations on your engagement." So, do you guys think/know if these gifts are 'engagement' gifts (even though we've been engaged for a long time now,) or are they the actual wedding gift?
All images from Wedding Paper Divas

1. Should I frame a picture and put a small display together for Mr. P's mom in front of the reception?
2. If so, what should the display or giveaway be to make it personal like the image above? (Some background to help: She was from Panama, the country, she was a Spanish high school teacher and loved her job and before that was a Pan Am flight attendant...she actually got hijacked TWICE! Can you believe?! Wow.)